


The NSP Chronicles

by The Lord of Butts (Buttlord69420)



Category: Ninja Sex Party - Fandom
Genre: Gen, also it's my first fic on ao3, apologies if it is, new characters will definitely be added later, so it's probably bad, this idea's probably been done like 6969 times
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-15
Updated: 2016-10-20
Packaged: 2018-06-02 11:49:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6564931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Buttlord69420/pseuds/The%20Lord%20of%20Butts
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The host of a video game talk show quits his job and becomes a ninja. He then gets tired of that and forms a band with his best friend Ninja Brian and they go on many adventures.<br/>(Rated T for heavy swearing.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In Which a Talk Show Host Kills a Man

**Author's Note:**

> As said in the tags, this is my first work on AO3. Expect it to be bad. Especially the formatting. I'm not too comfortable writing serious stuff about real people, so don't expect me to take this very seriously. There's gonna be a lot of references to NSP and at least one to Starbomb.

“Hi! I’m Sora from Kingdom Hearts!”

“NO!” Dan screamed, pulling a gun from his hair and shooting Sora. He couldn’t deal with this a third time, not after Cloud Strife and Solid Snake had talked about their absurdly complex plots for about 13 years each. This segment was supposed to be about _simple_ plots! Plots that took less than an hour to explain!

As a bloodied Sora laid on the ground, Dan stormed off the stage to his boss’s office.

“Avidan?” Dan’s boss acknowledged him. “What do you want?”

“I quit!” Dan shouted. “I can’t take this shit anymore!”

“You can’t quit!” his boss replied, pulling out a sheet of paper with Dan’s signature at the bottom. “You have a 2 ½ -year contract!”

“Could I see that, please?” Dan asked. As he was handed the contract, he took a lighter out of his pocket and set it on fire. “Oops.”

He leaped out the window, and Dan Avidan was never seen again. Not on the set of Talking Video Games, at least.

“Ow, shit,” Dan realized he had a piece of glass lodged in his arm and pulled it out. “I probably should’ve opened that window before jumping through it.”

Dan pulled his car out of his hair (he was in a bad neighborhood and didn’t trust the parking lot) and drove back to his apartment complex. He looked at his mail to see an overdue rent notice. He realized he had quit a day before payday and now had no way to pay his rent.

“Fuck!” Dan exclaimed under his breath. He decided to just move out and become homeless now instead of having to go to court and get evicted.

He packed up everything his belongings, gave his keys back to the owner of the apartment complex and left. He was homeless now.

Since there was plenty of space in Dan’s hair, he had taken the entire contents of his closet with him. Only after he left did he look to see what would fit him and what wouldn’t. While looking, he noticed a ninja costume that he bought a few months ago but never used. Suddenly, Dan knew what he would do. He would become a ninja! Ninjas don’t need homes!

Dan changed into the ninja costume and took out a katana he had bought a while ago for no good reason. He just thought it looked cool, but now he had a use for it.

Of course, Dan had no idea how to be a decent ninja. He decided to seek out another ninja and receive ninja training. He searched the city, ending up in a dark alley at sundown. It probably wasn’t a good idea to stay there, but Dan did anyway.

At around midnight, Dan noticed movement in the shadows.

“Is someone there?” he asked, getting no response. He decided it was probably just an alley cat. He also realized that there was no reason he should stay in this alley. He turned around to see another ninja staring at him three inches from his face.


	2. Ninja Brian Appears and is a Ninja

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's super late but here it is.  
> It's not that this wasn't done. I was just too lazy to post it.

“Oh, uh…” Dan backed away slightly from the other ninja a bit. “Hello?”

The other ninja had a nametag on his chest that read “Hi! My name is NINJA BRIAN”. The name was written in red pen with “FUCK OFF” written in smaller handwriting below it.

“I’m, uh, Dan,” Dan said. Ninja Brian was staring at him and it was making him mildly uncomfortable. “Could you maybe, uh, stop looking at me like that?”

Ninja Brian pointed to the “FUCK OFF” on his nametag and flipped Dan off with both hands.

“Not, uh, much of a conversationalist, are you?” Dan asked. “Well, um, I’d like to receive ninja training, and, uh…”

Ninja Brian continued to flip Dan off.

“...I was thinking you could maybe, uh, provide that training?” Dan didn’t tell Ninja Brian that he was absolutely terrified. Mostly because Ninja Brian probably already knew.

Ninja Brian unsheathed a katana.

“Is… Is this a threat or are you offering that training?” Dan asked. He had a feeling that it was the former.

Ninja Brian just stood there and did nothing.

“...Threat?”

Ninja Brian shook his head.

“So… are you offering to train me?”

Ninja Brian considered his options. He could kill Dan right there on the spot, but on the other hand, Dan didn’t seem like too bad of a guy. Hesitantly, Ninja Brian nodded.

“Okay. Cool. So… where do we start?” Dan questioned.

Suddenly, Ninja Brian leaped at Dan with his katana. Dan jumped out of the way before the ninja could hit him.

“What the fuck was that for?” Dan shouted. “Were you trying to kill me?”

Ninja Brian shook his head.

“Trying to train me to dodge?”

The ninja nodded.

“Well, could you at least warn me next time before you leap at me with a sword?”

Ninja Brian shook his head.

“Okay, okay, before I die, let’s move on to something else,” Dan said. “Like stealth.”

Ninja Brian trained Dan in everything he needed to know as a ninja. It took about a week and Dan only had three near-death experiences.

“Thank you, Ninja Brian,” Dan said when the training had ended. “But now, I must depart on a ninja adventure!”

So Dan set off on a boat to Europe, where he found a kingdom with a tyrannical king. The worst thing about that king? He banned sex unless it was strictly for trying to make a child. So Dan killed him, and the people of the kingdom were now free to go to the bone zone whenever they wanted.

Dan returned to New York, where he had sex with like a thousand girls. Of course, only with ones that consented. He wasn’t _that_ much of an asshole.

Dan lived in the alley where him and Ninja Brian had met. If anyone tried to mug him, he just pulled out his katana and they usually left after that.

When Dan left for Europe, he thought he wouldn’t see Ninja Brian again. The ninja who had trained him was probably off on his own ninja adventures.

One night, Dan heard a noise from somewhere in the alley. “Who’s there?” he asked, pulling out his katana. He heard someone snap their fingers behind him, so he turned around. “Who the fuck-”

Dan came face-to-face with a ninja. The ninja’s outfit was the same as Ninja Brian’s, minus one angry nametag. Dan had to do a double-take. “Ninja Brian? Is that you?”

Ninja Brian nodded.

“Why are you in this alley?” Dan questioned.

Ninja Brian shrugged.

“Yeah, that’s a good reason,” Dan said. “Where did your nametag go?”

Ninja Brian shrugged again.

“What’ve you been up to? I didn’t do too much, just killed a king in Europe.”

Ninja Brian just stared at Dan.

“Okay, I guess you’re still not too much of a conversationalist.”

Ninja Brian continued staring.

“Yeah, so after I killed that king, I fucked a thousand hot girls.”

Ninja Brian nodded in approval.

“But that’s all in the past.”

Ninja Brian stared in confusion. Who wouldn’t want to fuck hundreds of hot women?

“I may be the toughest fucking ninja you’ve ever seen-”

Ninja Brian shook his head and pointed to himself.

“-but now I just want to _DANCE!_ ” Dan exclaimed, ripping off his ninja costume to reveal a blue costume with a cape and a Star of David on the front, which Ninja Brian pointed to with a confused expression on his face.

“Yeah, I’m Jewish.”

Ninja Brian nodded understandingly.

Dan did a variety of dance moves. After that was done, he said to Ninja Brian, “Dan Avidan isn’t a cool enough name, so I’m Danny Sexbang now.” Ninja Brian gave him a thumbs up of approval.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Expect the next chapter... soon? I have no idea when it's gonna be finished.


	3. He Has a PhD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah ok so it's been like 69 years since i put out a chapter  
> now that school's over, i might put chapters out more frequently

“Ninja Brian!” Danny bursted into Ninja Brian’s room. “We need money!”

Ninja Brian nodded, not turning to look at Danny. He was preoccupied by hanging something on the wall.

As Danny inspected closer, he noticed it was a framed piece of paper. And also that it was a PhD.

“Ninja Brian, you have a PhD?” Danny questioned. “In theoretical physics? I didn’t know you were into that kind of thing. I thought you only liked being angry and killing people.”

Ninja Brian continued hanging his degree up in silence.

“So, should I call you Doctor Ninja Brian now?”

Ninja Brian shook his head angrily. He flipped Danny off.

“Alright, Doctor Ninja Brian,” Dan teased. “What are we gonna do about the money problem?”

Ninja Brian got annoyed since Danny didn’t honor his request and murdered him. He was fine the next morning though.

When Danny was no longer murdered, he burst into Ninja Brian’s room. Again.

“I have the perfect idea to make money!” he yelled. “Since you have a PhD, we can become teachers! Then we’re making money and educating our society at the same time!”

Ninja Brian stared at Danny angrily.

“You’re not flipping me off and/or murdering me, so that’s a yes!” Danny exclaimed. “Take your PhD so they’ll know we’re smart.”

Suddenly, in a dark blur, Ninja Brian picked up Danny and his PhD and ran at the speed of light or some other badass shit to the local high school. The duo walked inside and to the principal’s office. Ninja Brian held out his PhD to the principal.

“You have a PhD? You’re both hired!” the principal shouted.

“Really? That was easy,” Danny said. “When do we start?”

“Whenever a teacher can’t make it, I guess?” the principal replied. “There weren’t any positions open, so you’re substitutes.”

“Okay- Ninja Brian. What are you doing.” Ninja Brian had begun dragging his friend to the door by his arm. “Could you, uh, not drag me, maybe?”

In response, the ninja just shook his head. He continued dragging Danny even when they were out of the principal’s office. They went to a classroom, and Ninja Brian opened the door.

“Hello? Who’s-” Faster than you could say “psychotic murder ninja”, the teacher was murdered by a psychotic murder ninja. Ninja Brian dragged the teacher’s corpse behind his desk in the corner of the room. On the chalkboard, he wrote “PROF. BRIAN AND PROF. SEXBANG”.

The bell rang. A wave of students flooded into the room, chatting about their weekends and bragging about whatever the hell high school students brag about. A few saw the substitute teachers and started laughing, thinking it was a joke. Ninja Brian glared at all of them. Danny wondered how many students would be murdered.

“Hello, students!” The students quieted down as Danny greeted them. “Today we will be learning… what the hell is this subject?”

“Science!” a student called out.

“Yes! Good job! Science! We’ll be learning science today in this class! Get ready to have your ASSES rocked off!” Danny cleared his throat. “Now imagine, one thousand years ago, when dinosaurs still ruled the Earth…”

A student raised her hand. “But Professor Sexbang, the dinosaurs went extinct about 65 million years a-”

“Who’s the teacher here?” Danny interrupted. “Anyway, it was just a normal Tuesday in Dinosaur High, when Stegosaurus called out for high fives in the hallway. Of course, Tyrannosaurus saw this and tried to give the other dinosaur a high five. But, his arms were too small! His high five missed! Now if you’re thinking ‘oh shit, that had to be bad!’ you are correct. A giant fight broke out between the dinosaurs. A giant  _ laser _ fight.”

A few students were laughing. Others were considering just getting up and leaving. Ninja Brian was illustrating the scene on the chalkboard.

“So I’m sure you’re all wondering how loud this was. It was quiet! There’s no sound in space! Did I forget to mention that this was in space? It is. Oh yeah and there were robots and sharks too.”

Another student called out. “Professor Sexbang, this didn’t happen.”   
“YES IT DID ASK ALBERT EINSTEIN,” Danny shouted. “HE INVENTED SPACE.”

“But Professor Sexbang!” a student exclaimed. “Albert Einstein is dead!”

“YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO. YOU’RE NOT MY MOM!” Danny yelled. “And then! A UFO showed up! ‘We come in peace,’ the Martians said! ‘We won’t harm you.’ So the dinosaurs, robots and sharks killed them with lasers! HOLY SHIT!” The “professor” was mostly just continuing out of mild frustration. “And THEN! There was a giant laser party! That’s right! They stopped fighting and just partied! That’s the moral of the story! Don’t fight just party the-fucking-end!”

A few students had tried to walk out. Ninja Brian appeared in front of the door when they did. Some of the students were trying to calm a frustrated Danny, who was now grumbling about dinosaurs and lasers and Albert Einstein.

About 5 minutes after Danny had finished his rant, Ninja Brian picked him up and walked out the door. There was about 40 minutes left in the class, so a few students cheered, as they basically had a free period. Someone discovered the teacher’s corpse behind the desk. Everyone cheered, as the period was now a free period for the rest of the year.

Ninja Brian took his friend home and put him in bed. When Danny tried to get up, Ninja Brian gently pushed him back down on the bed. The ninja took out a notepad and wrote something, then passed the note to Danny.

The note read, “ANGRY CHILDREN GET TIMEOUTS. YOU ARE AN ANGRY CHILD.”

“Ninja Brian, I’m not a child-”

Ninja Brian slapped Danny to get him to shut up. The ninja then walked out and attempted to lock the door, realizing it locked from the inside. He then glued the door shut.

Ninja Brian wrote another note, then slid it under the door. It said, “YOU’LL BE FREE AFTER YOU SLEEP.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that ending was fucking stupid, wasn't it


	4. Danny Keeps Getting Boners

“I’m ready for the check, ma’am,” Danny said to his waitress, getting a strange look.

“I’m sorry,” Danny said, the waitress’s gaze drifting down slightly. “Is there a problem?” Danny glanced down at his pants, realizing he was erect. “Oh, uh… shit, sorry.”

“No, it’s fine,” the waitress said. “I’ll just get your check.”

As the woman walked away, Danny noticed someone staring at him from another table. The man seemed to have the same angry stare as Ninja Brian, but as soon as Danny made eye contact to investigate further, the man looked away and began eating the food at his table.

Soon, the waitress returned with Danny’s check. He paid for his food and left, heading towards the post office to mail his father’s birthday present off. He arrived at the post office with the package, opening the door and entering.

“Hi! How can I help you?” the postman greeted Danny, who could have sworn the man looked just like the guy who was staring at him at the diner.

“I just need to mail this package,” Danny replied. “My father’s birthday is soon, and I wanted to give him something.”

“Alright! Just put it on the scale here.” The postman’s voice was drowned out by Danny’s realization that he had a boner. He stared past the postman, his eyes wide. “We’ll weigh it and- sir, are you okay?”

“Yes, I’m okay, I just, uh- I have to go, I have a doctor’s appointment at the uh, dentist,” Danny said hastily, every second feeling like an hour. He half walked, half ran out the door.

Dan walked home, not realizing when he walked into the door. Twice. He was too focused on his embarrassment. Ninja Brian opened the door after the second time so Danny didn’t get a concussion.

Ninja Brian picked Danny up and put him on the couch, then slapped him.

“Ninja Brian? When did I get home-” Ninja Brian slapped him again. He wrote “NO QUESTIONS.” on his notepad and gave the paper to Danny. He then walked into his room and did whatever he does in there. Probably theoretical physics or something.

Later, Danny decided to go to the zoo. He was met at the ticket stand by a man that looked exactly like the postman from earlier. Danny decided it was probably just a coincidence.

“Hi! Welcome to the zoo!” the ticket seller greeted. “Tickets are twenty dollars for adults and fifteen for children.”

“Thanks!” Danny replied. “I love the zoo! These monkeys are cool!”   
“Those aren’t actually monkeys. They’re macaques.”   
“Wow! Macaque’s really hairy.”

The ticket seller stood there in silence, either at the fact that the author didn’t even bother to paraphrase and just copied that line straight from the song this chapter is based off of or at the joke Danny just made. Something about his stare reminded Danny of Ninja Brian. Again, probably just a coincidence.

“Uh… when does the zoo close?”

“Eight o’clock.” the ticket seller answered in a deadpan tone.

“Alright! Then I’ll have time to- OH GOD NOT AGAIN.” You can probably guess what happened. Danny got a boner. He fell to his knees and cried out, “WHY? WHY IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN, GOD?”

Everyone near Danny was staring at him. Danny knew it was because of his boner and definitely not because he was on his knees in spandex and a cape screaming.

Finally, security dragged Danny out of the zoo. He went home, greeting Ninja Brian, who was on the couch, trying to eat popcorn through his mask and staring at the TV.

“Ninja Brian,” Danny said. “The TV’s off.”

Ninja Brian wrote something down. “YES. I KNOW.” He continued to spill popcorn all over the place by trying to eat it without taking his mask off.

“Alright,” Danny said. “I’ll just head to my room.”

Before Danny could go to his room, there was a knock on the door. He opened the door to see the postman. Ninja Brian was still on the couch, pretending to watch TV.

“Delivery for a Mr. Danny Sexbang?” the postman said casually, as if nothing had happened that morning.

“That’s me,” Danny said, signing and taking the package. It was a large cardboard box. “Thanks.”

“No problem!” the postman said, walking back to his truck. Danny closed the door.

“That’s weird. I wasn’t expecting a package,” Danny said. “Might as well open it, though.”

The package contained only a piece of lined paper, reading, “I REALLY HOPE THAT BONER EARLIER WAS A NO REASON BONER.

-THE POSTMAN”. The postman’s handwriting was very similar to Ninja Brian’s. Danny brushed it off as yet another coincidence. What was this, a bad fanfiction setting up for a reveal in later chapters that Ninja Brian was God or something? That would be stupid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ninja brian isn't god, by the way. why would i reveal the Big Twist in chapter four?  
> shoutout to everyone who's left kudos i love you forever


	5. Danny Can't Save the World Right Now, He's Making Baked Potatoes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah so i haven't posted a chapter of this in months  
> but i remembered it with cool patrol coming out so here's the next chapter

“Danny, we need you RIGHT NOW! There are two supermonsters fighting!” Danny picked up the phone to the President of Space’s voice. He sighed.

“I can’t right now,” he replied, barely taking the effort to say the full sentence. “I’m busy.”

“How can you be busy when there are two giant monsters fighting?” the President questioned angrily. “What the hell are you doing?!”

“Making baked potatoes,” Danny sprinkled some seasoning on the potatoes. “I’ll be there in an hour, three hours tops.”

“DANNY, THEY’RE EATING FRANCE-”

The President was cut off by Danny hanging up the phone. The situation would probably resolve itself and France  _ might _ be okay.

Danny continued making the baked potatoes. He ate them. He picked up the phone and called the President of Space.

“You still need help with that supermonster problem?” he asked. “I finished those baked potatoes.”   
“YES!” the President shouted. “Rhinoceratops is about to step on some guy’s lawn-”

Danny heard a nearly deafening noise outside his house, accompanied by a rumble that nearly knocked the ceiling fan down.

“Alright, I’ll be there in… maybe an hour? I might stop for ice cream on the way.” Danny hung up the phone and walked across the room.

“Ninja Brian,” Danny called down the hall. “We gotta save the world again. C’mon.”

“FUCK YOU,” Ninja Brian would have called back if he talked.

The ninja emerged from his room with his keyboard. Danny blinked and the keyboard was gone. Nobody knew where he stored that thing.

Danny opened his front door to see a giant rhinoceros-triceratops hybrid footprint in the middle of his lawn.

“I’m gonna have to get that re-sodded,” he groaned. “That’s twenty-five dollars I could have spent on ingredients for baked potatoes.”

On the way, Danny and Ninja Brian stopped for ice cream. Danny got pistachio and Ninja Brian got blood. That second one wasn’t an ice cream flavor. The cashier had short-changed them and denied it.

When Ninja Sex Party arrived on the scene, pretty much every building within a sixty-nine mile radius had been knocked down.

“WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!” the President of Space screamed over the sounds of the monsters fighting.

“I wanted ice cream,” Danny justified himself. “Is that so much to ask?”

“YES!” the President exclaimed. “FIGHT THEM  _ NOW _ !”

“Okay, fine,” Danny pulled a blue bass guitar out of his hair. Ninja Brian got his keyboard while nobody was looking.

Someone in the crowd of people that had gathered raised his hand. “What are you doing?”

Ninja Brian punched him in the face.

Danny and Ninja Brian played their respective instruments until the giant robotic puma and rhinoceros-triceratops hybrid ended up having sex. Children’s eyes were covered, adults’ eyes were covered, some watched in a combination of fascination and disgust.

Miles away, a man clad in pink watched with disgust. He turned to his samurai comrade and said, “This must be stopped. Who’s doing this?”

“I don’t know,” the samurai said simply.

“Well, whoever they are, they have a new worst enemy. That worst enemy happens to be us, Samurai Abstinence Patrol.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh shit! it's samurai abstinence patrol! what a surprising turn of events that they are in this fanfic!


End file.
